First month of this year my prayer had been heard. My husband and I were astonish of the quick affirmation which shivers our bones.It feels amazing when God moves around us in so many ways without realizing what he did for us. I believe in God but I’m practical and realistic person so I believe that you need to work to make things happen so God will be able to bless you but sometimes there are some wierd things happens which unexplainable.
“”Faith sees the invisible, believes the unbelievable and receives the impossibles””~Corrie Ten Boom
As far as where my thoughts now and so much mix emotions contemplates around me, I have so much things going on in my life. Have you ever been questioning God in whats going on with your life,specially when life gets tough or you believe it is? well… me .. I did! A lot of times or I guessed my whole life. It’s just recently that able to understand life and how God always moving secretly in it. I am not religious person. I have serious relationship with my God, TRUE. But none of it making sense as most of the time I rant on him when lifes gets difficult. Still he loves me and handle me well on that part very seriously. You know its hard when people mock/look differently because you are not ostentatious on your belief. Don’t judge me, Im just sharing my experiences in the past. To elaborate a few, I was called Atheist. Actually I mind a bit but who cares. This is the good thing in this era, we have more privilege, we can demonstrate our freedom more in a different way, it doesn’t matter if its hurt others as long as its conform or justify our strong opinions/ belief per se. Whew! The millenia tingy. Forgive me If across this topic I touch sensitive matters. I am not a writer or any of those professional literary person. I am a full time housewife-mom. Whatever I write in here are pure emotions-experience base opinions. I don’t want to be bash by some persons who are against my journal sharing. Just saying.
Well back to my assiduous thought. There are people saying I have a gift of saying things”prophetic person” i don’t know if that is the right words. I believe its literally coincidences. Whatever it is, I dont want to drawn my emotions in it but sometimes its to strong to ignore it. Its not always happening, I guess it happens in a spur of instinct and usually it conveys in my dreams. Most of the time its personal yet there are some that is not and I don’t know maybe its just pure imaginations.
Recently I have a two distinct incidents about it. First on a one weekend I wake up in fear as in totally scary that the whole week after that I thought Im going crazy. I even thought of divorcing my husband out of that fear. I cried constantly for no reason. I thought I might have post-fartum. Well my youngest is nine years old this year and I dont know if its counted since I have history of it on my third child. I constantly praying and reading bible verses but none of it working and I constantly ranting and depressing myself to oblivion. Then its Friday; I was invited to a fellowship that held on that day every week since two months ago on-off the grid. Then without a notice I just breakdown and talk and talk as if Im possess. That was the moment that our facilitator pray in tongues. I don’t understand that to tell you frankly. After that prayers I was relieved as all what is tormenting me inside all gone. I cried a lot with goose bumps as I dont understand what I experienced.
“”No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it””.~1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV
Then on that night after all my usual routine, I asleep and wake up in a very dark place (which usually fear me but for some reasons Im not scared instead Im comfortable and at peace as I feel I’m in my mom’s womb) and in that place I saw a high school classmate (I just know by heart he is but I didnt see his face) and myself wearing a school uniform. He said to me” Are you ready?” I replied” what? What do you mean?” And he said ” lets go”. Then suddenly we was in this scenario where its like I’m watching a scene in the past.
The first scene was a stage with full of people; its a famous tv shows in the past here in my country that cater poor people that needs help for hospitalizations and so on. Then suddenly I remembered when my mom telling me about her story going to those tv shows to ask for help because the doctor said to her to be ready any moment and she thought she will loose me but not and here I am kicking and alive.
Then we walk again and the second scenario was my husband was sitting on a chair with both hands on the table as if waiting for someone. What’s creepy was he was teenager;I never saw his face in his teenage years. I said” is that my husband?” Then he answer” take a look again”, and I did and I said ” his indeed my husband” and while walking away from him a group of guy enpassing shouted my husband name as in whole name. I was stun by it. It feels God talking to me saying” you see I already prepare the person you will marry and you will never get it wrong because of his name.
Then on the third scene is movie theater and I was sitting there alone watching the movie very happy in spite of the chaos and a battered child in a broken family. I never watch Tagalog movies instead I watch English movies as I’m eager to learn to converse in that way and I thought that was me a kid with a slight of simple things yet happy.
The fourth scene was seeing my nephews and niece and they asking me specifically ” what should we do?” It reminds me of my significance in our family right now and how all of them look up to me.
I wake up with all this details and I cried because I feel God talk to me in my dreams and remind me that his with me all through out my life. A friend of mine once told me that “the Antidote to depression,frustration,sadness and some sort of those unpleasant moods/feelings is Thankfulness”.
“”I love the Lord , because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live””.~Psalms 116:1-2 ESV
As I get matured and fulfilled most of my goals, I forget who I am. I did soul searching and finding myself but I failed until recently when I have this dreams (what I mentions above). Maybe some people will say I’m crazy because I felt God talked to me in my dreams and it feels so real that he put details on it to tell me what he wants to say. It changes me not only as a person but as a mom,wife, daughter and friend. My whole perspective totally change on the other side which is all positive. I renounce and rebuke all negative word/ thought I have harbor in the past including curses and being self-pity and unworthy. I’m more thankful/grateful now. I appreciated myself as a full time mom and wife. I’m more control of my emotions and myself oblivion. And what really surprises me are when I see my children even just sitting on the table when we have conversation or solving our differences when we had arguments; it give so much joy in my heart (its feels like its flowing all over my body) I overlook those simple things and find happiness in material stuff and now I see clearly how bless I am to have a beautiful simple family.
“”Behold, I send an angel before you to guard you on the way and to bring you to the place that I have prepared.””~Exodus 23:20 ESV
And I have this recollections of my children words to us that penetrates in my heart. Some instances was when the form tutor told me about my eldest daughter who was ask in the class discussion“who is your hero?” She was grade seven that time and usually kids will answer literally super heroes like superman etc but instead she said“My Parents“. The teacher ask why? And she replied simply” without their sacrifices, support and trying their best to be a good parents I will not excel and exist in this world”.
Another instances was after Christmas vacation. The form tutor called me and said that she wants to talk to me. I rush coming to school that I thought my eldest son had a fight in one of his classmate but it will be odd because he don’t have any history of doing it; he was ten years old. The form tutor said it is very important message to me that later she said she cant keep it to herself because its too sweet and thoughtful not to know by his parents and she has a teary eyes listening coming the words from my son. And this is exactly the discussion she had in the classroom.
Teacher: how’s your Christmas vacation class? Students: Good teacher! Teacher: so what gift did you receive this Christmas? ***Most students answered that they received in kind like toys, shoes etc. And when she ask my son it blows her mind.
Teacher: How about you Marlouise,what gift you receive from your parents?
Marlouise: Miss, I got shirt from my parents but the best gift that I have receive is from my Dad because he adores my mom so much that I can feel it everyday from my mom. She is kind to us. And thats the reason the teacher called and wanted to talk to me.
Another story is from my youngest daughter. I dont remember exactly who told me but there was this discussion” Who is your best friend?”. And she replied ” My Mom and my Dad because we can talk as friend without offend of what I say/ tantrums on that moment and they trust me”.
The latest was recently when I have conversation with my nine year old son before sleeping. I was discussing to him about his behavior, school and growing up successful. He recently throws tantrums to his older brother and acted as he wants to hit him so I was upset and reprimanded him. I told him that if he don’t control his anger, it will be his habit when he grow up and he might hit me too by mistakes because of uncontrollably anger. And he said” Sorry Mom, I wont do it again and I will never hit you”. Then I replied how do you know that? And he said” because I love you so much Mom and I will have a Happy Thoughts always”.
Those were my recollections of incidents that I overlooked in the past. There are more to mentions and maybe on my next E-diary I could tackle it one by one to remind myself how beautiful and perfect my life is as what God prepared for me. Those recollections are not mentions to glorify us as parents but to glorify God for guiding me/us how to raise our children. We are simply nothing without our father God Jesus. I’m giving back all the glory to him. I will be forever grateful and indebted to God.
“”I will extol you, my God and King, and bless your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless you and praise your name forever and ever””.~Psalms 145:1-2 ESV